What I Never Knew I Always Wanted
by LovingLana
Summary: Regina is having trouble gaining the back the normalcy that was taken from her, but with Robin by her side, she finally begins to see the hope.
1. Chapter 1

In… out… in… out…

"Are you okay?"

In… out… in… out

"Regina?"

The voices around her were only a blur as she focused on her breathing. In for three seconds, out for three seconds. She was feeling her feet on the floor and mentally telling herself that she was fine, she was safe. "I'm okay," she managed to mumble. Her gaze remained on Emma who was kneeling in front of her, eyes full of concern. She knew that Henry was nearby but she couldn't look at him, didn't want to see the look of worry on his face.

"Someone get her a class of water." Henry rushed to the counter at Emma's demand, happily accepting a tall glass of ice water from Granny. He sat it on the table in front of Regina and took a small step back.

The crowd in Granny's had all stopped eating and all eyes were on Regina as she shakily held the glass in her hand. She tempted to take a sip but her hands were unsteady, causing her to splash water all over her blouse. She could feel her cheeks growing warmer at the embarrassment.

"It's okay," Emma assured her quietly before grabbing a straw and sticking it into the glass. She turned her body and gave the growing crowd a glare that told them to get back to their own business. She then turned back to Regina and offered a small smile as Regina sipped the cool liquid.

"Robin?"

"He's on his way," Emma assured her, "he should be here any minute."

Regina just nodded, not taking her eyes away from the table in front of her. She knew that people were staring, she could feel their eyes on her, but she couldn't bring herself to look at them. She was too ashamed. "I need to get out of her," she said so quietly that Emma was afraid she had imagined it. "Please."

Emma stood and gently took Regina's hand, guiding her out of the diner and outside into the cool autumn air. Henry followed but stayed a close distance behind. His young eyes watched intently as his mother leaned against the wall, taking a deep breath and letting it out slowly.

"You want to talk about it?"

Regina could hear the concern in Emma's voice and nearly brought more tears to eyes but she managed to keep them suppressed. Regina shook her head no. "Useless therapy," she sniffed, "isn't helping a damn thing."

Emma forced a smile, "I think that's the first time I have ever heard you use profanity."

Regina chuckled and that meant Emma had done her job, she had helped, even if only in a small way. "Flashbacks?"

Regina's smile vanished and she nodded slowly. "They feel so real," she answered softly, "like I'm still there and he's…" she drew in a deep breath and held it before counting to three and slowly exhaling. "He hurt me, Emma."

It was the first time Regina had admitted it out loud to anyone. She hadn't told Robin, her therapist, or even admitted it to herself until now. It seemed easier with Emma, someone who couldn't judge her.

"I know," Emma responded, "and I'm so sorry."

Regina rolled her eyes, "I don't want your pity. I just want someone to understand. I'm trying so hard but there's always something that brings me back there." Her eyes were grew glossy again and her breathing became more rapid so Emma stopped her, telling her that she didn't have to explain herself.

It had been only a few weeks since the whole ordeal and Regina was still suffering greatly. She tried to hide her struggles away from everyone but sometimes they got the better of her. She knew the whole town was on her side, especially after they all risked their lives to save her, but she still couldn't appear weak in front of them.

She had been attending therapy sessions three times a week with Archie, talking through her struggles and trying different coping mechanisms that would help her cope. So far, things weren't helping at all. Every day she heard a noise that reminded her of him or she smelled something that triggered a flashback. She would tell herself that she was safe and back in Storybrooke but that didn't always work. Sometimes the memories took over.

"Regina?" Robin had finally arrived after rushing to the diner after receiving the phone call. He had been with Roland at the park for special father and son bonding but had quickly left when he got the news.

"I'm sorry," she whispered, "I didn't mean to ruin your day… again…"

Emma stepped away and let Robin and Regina talk in private, not wanting to put herself in a conversation she didn't belong. She made her way to the other side of the diner where Henry was standing with his hands in his pockets, pretending that he hadn't been listening to the entire conversation.

"You alright?"

Henry nodded. "It's not just the flashbacks anymore." Emma looked at Henry, really looked at him, and she could tell that he hadn't been sleeping much the last few weeks either.

"Nightmares?"

Henry nodded. "It's bad," he whispered. "Every night I wake up to her throwing up in the bathroom. She gets so scared that she gets sick… I hate it. I hate what he did to her." His teeth clenched at his final words and Emma lovingly patted his back.

"Me too, kid. Things will get better though. We are all trying to help her get her life back and she's trying too, she's trying really hard, Henry."

"I know," Henry said, "but she shouldn't have to. She isn't getting any sleep, she's not eating, look at her."

It was true, nightmares plagued Regina's sleep every night and whenever she tried to eat it only came back up. Her frame was thin and her nerves were shaky as she tried to maintain what little control she had left.

"She'll get better," Emma promised, "especially with you and Robin being there for her."

Robin had asked Regina if he could hug her and she vigorously shook her head yes, gladly accepting his arms wrapping around her. She let her head fall into the crook of his neck, breathing in the scent of his shampoo. She felt safe in his arms and finally let more tears fall. She was so tired of feeling so weak. She was tired of having no control over her body anymore and tired of crying every day. She wanted to feel strong again.

"I know," Robin whispered into her ear, almost as if he could read her mind. "You'll get there," he promised, "you will."

Regina wasn't sure if she believed him, at this point things looked so bleak. That man had took something from her, a piece of her, and she wasn't sure if she would get it back.

Henry had decided to spend the night at Emma's that night, wanting to get some sleep so he could return home the next day and be refreshed. He was scared at first to tell Regina, not wanting to upset her however, she was glad he was leaving for the night. She wanted him to get some rest and she knew he wouldn't if he stayed home.

Henry had fallen asleep just after dinner so Emma covered him up and plopped on the other couch, joining him in a deep sleep after a tiring day.

Robin had just finished the last of the dishes before joining Regina in the bedroom. She was sitting on the edge of the bed with a pair of pajamas neatly folded next to her. "Heading to bed?"

She shrugged. "I was contemplating taking a shower but I think I'm too tired." He could hear the exhaustion in her voice and his he felt his heart squeeze tighter. He wished he had been there to protect her when that man took her. He would murder him if he ever had the opportunity and that he was sure of.

"I have an idea," he smiled, "how about I run a hot bath and light some candles and I'll join you."

Regina smiled a genuine smile and Robin finally felt like he had done something right. "I would like that." She grabbed her clothes and followed Robin into the master bathroom, undressing as he filled the tub. Robin too took his clothes off and tossed them into the hamper, climbing into the tub first before helping Regina. He sat with his back to the wall as he pulled Regina to sit in his lap, leaning her back against his chest.

It had taken Regina awhile to let Robin see her naked after the kidnapping but she trusted him and she missed his delicate touch. She closed her eyes and let her head fall back against his chest as he traced his fingers up and down her arms. He treaded lightly over her healing bruises, glad to see that they weren't nasty and blue anymore. He couldn't help but remember how she looked in that hospital bed…

 _"Oh… Regina…"_

 _He had braced himself for what he was about to see but nothing could have prepared him for seeing his wife so hurt and so scared. She was asleep, not deeply, as her eyelids twitched with movement. She didn't even look like his Regina… Her face was bruised and swollen, dried blood covering cuts on her hairline and near her lip. Her left eye was swollen and bruised nearly three times its normal size. "A broken eye socket," the doctor had explained._

 _Robin walked closer to her bed and roamed her body looking for more damage. Her left arm was in a cast as it had been broken in three different places and required surgery to fix. Her ankles and wrists were bandaged from where the chains had cut into her skin, giving Robin only a sense of what she had endured._

 _"Robin?" Her voice was so small and she sounded so wounded that it made him wince._

 _"I'm here," he answered, gently taking her hand in his. "I'm right here."_

 _"Is he gone?"_

 _"He's gone," Robin answered, "you're in the hospital and you're safe. I'm not leaving your side."_

 _"Robin?"_

 _"Yes, love?"_

 _"I was scared," Regina whispered, "I was so scared." Robin was sure he saw a tear and it made his own eyes water. The strongest woman he knew was lying in a hospital bed_ scared _and in pain. He felt partly responsible. If he had remembered to lock the stupid door…_

 _"You're alive," Robin kept repeating to her, "I'm right here. You're safe. Get some rest."_

He looked at her skin now and was glad that everything was healing okay. Her wrist still bothered her some days and some days she wore her cast but other days she was okay to go without it. Her bruises were healing nicely and most of them were completely gone, except for a few of the ones that were worse off. Her eye was still bruised and black and although she tried to hide it with makeup, the wounds were visible.

He wasn't sure how long he had been lost in his thoughts but it must have been awhile because when he looked down, Regina was sound asleep against his chest. He didn't want to wake her but he didn't want her catching a cold as the water grew chilly. He wasn't sure if carrying her to bed was the best thing to do at this point so he drained the water carefully and filled it with more hot water. He wanted Regina to get as much sleep as she could, even if it meant that his skin would be equivalent to a prune.


	2. Chapter 2

_She could feel the cold metal digging into the soft flesh of her temple. She could feel her throat burning as she kept forgetting to breathe, having to remind herself to keep the air flowing. She could feel that her hand was already broken, a piercing pain shooting through her wrist and up her index finger every time she moved it. She squeezed the pistol tight in her good hand, shaking as she held it to her head._

 _She saw the barrel of the other gun in front of her. She stared at his finger on the trigger, the smirk on his busted face where she had tried to fight him._

 _"Pull the trigger, Regina."_

 _He was making her play a game, Russian Roulette. He had forced her to pick the gun up and place it to her head, telling her that one of the chambers had a bullet and one of them wasn't going to make it out alive. She had no choice but to play the devil's game, as he held another gun directly at her face. Maybe by some chance she would be lucky and he would be the one getting killed…_

 _Her face contorted as she thought of Henry, of never getting to see him again. She thought of Robin and Roland, her family. Family; if you would have told her that several years ago, she never would have believed it._

 _"Three chambers left. Pull the trigger, Regina, now!"_

 _The gun shook uncontrollably in her hand as she brought her finger to the trigger and squeezed. Her eyes slammed shut as the trigger clicked and she remained standing. She took in a deep breath and cried when she opened her eyes._

 _"My turn." The man snatched the gun from her hands and placed it to his temple. He had no hesitation in placing the gun to his own head and pulling the trigger quickly, his face held no reaction._

 _Then everything went black. Regina wasn't in the granary anymore and the man wasn't in the room with her. She could feel that she was lying on something soft but, she couldn't force her eyes open._

 _"Regina, it's Emma, I've got you, you're safe. Come on, Regina. Open your eyes."_

 _Regina struggled but she blinked her eyes open and couldn't believe it. She was saved. "How?"_

 _"It doesn't matter," Emma promised as he began growing emotional, "you're going to be okay. We're on our way to the hospital and everyone else is already there waiting."_

 _"I don't know how to say thank you."_

 _"Then don't."_

It was late in Storybrooke and Regina had decided to let Robin sleep and go for a walk. She grabbed her coat and slipped on her only pair of tennis shoes before heading out. She wasn't sure where she was going, she just walked. The night air breezed slowly past her as she watched one foot walk in front of the other. She thought about the day she was rescued. She didn't remember much, she remembered having to play the game and then she remembered Emma. She vaguely remembered asking Emma how she had found her but, she didn't remember if Emma had ever answered. Maybe she just forgot or maybe Emma decided not to tell. Whatever the answer, Regina wanted to know.

"Regina?"

She stopped, looked to her left to see that she was standing in front of the Charming's place. Snow was sitting on the front porch swing with a mug of hot chocolate in her hands. It looked like Regina wasn't the only one who was having trouble sleeping.

"Hey."

"Is everything alright?"

Regina contemplated her answer. She could lie and say everything was fine, say that she just needed fresh air but, this was Snow White. This was her friend, her best friend. She slipped her hands in her coat pockets and joined Snow on the swing.

"My hand is bothering me which means it's going to rain," she commented lamely. When she received an annoying glance from Snow, she elaborated, "I had another nightmare and I didn't want to wake Robin so, I just decided to go for a walk. I guess my conscious brought me here."

"You feel safe here," Snow commented.

Regina shrugged. "I'm trying," she whispered, "to feel safe. I know that he can't come back here because of the protection spell but…"

"You don't have to explain anything to me," Snow said before taking a sip of her fresh cocoa, "and this house is always open for you to come, any time you would like."

"You can't sleep either?"

Snow shrugged. "Neal has been up all night. He's pretty fussy, I think he might be coming down with a cold."

"I think I have some children's Tylenol left from when Roland was sick last week," Regina offered, "he's fine so he doesn't need it anymore."

Regina and Snow sat in silence for a short while, staring at the sky as the stars began disappearing while clouds rolled in. The sweet smell of chocolate made them both comfortable and the slight breeze was welcomed.

"Snow," Regina spoke after a long time, "can I tell you something?"

"You know you can."

"The morning I was taken," she swallowed heavily, "I took a pregnancy test. I had missed a period and I just thought… maybe fate would be on my side after all."

Snow stayed quiet, her heart physically aching for Regina.

"I didn't get a chance to look at it," Regina admitted, "before… I didn't look and now, even if I was pregnant… I was hurt… I didn't tell anyone."

Snow's eyes grew wide. "Regina, you didn't tell the doctor?"

She shook her head, "I was scared, Snow. I was so scared and I wasn't even thinking and-"

"It's okay," Snow promised, "there's no judgement here but, you should get looked at. I can go with you and nobody will have to know unless you want them to."

Regina nodded, feeling relieved that Snow had been awake. She wasn't sure if her intentions were to end up on the Charming's porch but, she was glad she had ended up there. "You'll stay with me?"

"You have my word."


End file.
